Post by *ShinyKitty* on Oct 7, 2007 20:07:33 GMT -8
So this is a funny fan fic about Harry Potter that came to my mind one day and I've just been working on it from there. So, enjoy!!!
***WARNING***
If you haven't read all the books and want to, don't read this. Thank you and enjoy.
Sit Down Potter!
By Kristi Smallwood
"Sit down, Potter."
Harry glared at the Hogwarts Potions Master and, with just a smidgen of a pause to irritate Snape, he sat. It promised to be a long night of detention.
Snape stood looming over Harry. "Since your last attempt at this potion was, as usual, an unmitigated failure, you're going to do it again -- and you'll need to complete it before three-quarters of an hour is up. If you fail, you'll scour your cauldron clean and start over from the beginning until you can create a perfect potion in the allotted time. Is that clear?"
Harry swallowed hard. "Yes, sir," he spat. "I understand." His hate for this man was so strong that the glassware on the shelves began to rattle. Snape glanced at the moving jars with a sneer and sat down at his desk without another look at Harry to resume his grading.
Harry got up, grabbed a small cauldron and marched to the stores cabinet to gather up the ingredients he'd need for the potion. He plucked out a combination of materials and threw them into his cauldron. He turned back to return to his desk and....
Stopped.
And sighed.
Dropped the cauldron and stretched.
Snape looked up and threw down his quill and, leaning back until his chair tipped, propped his gleaming boots on his desk.
"She's taking a break," Snape observed casually. "Third time tonight. At this rate it'll never get done."
Harry yawned. "Fine with me. Don't much care for this story, anyway. Want some tea?"
"Lovely. Thanks, Harry."
Harry walked over to the never-seen-in-fiction-or movies section of the Potions classroom where several food and beverage laden tables were set up for breaks. Dobby was just bringing in a trolley with some new sweets trays.
"Hiya, Dob!" said Harry picking up the tea kettle.
"Hello, Harry," Dobby said in a clear, deep voice. "How are things going tonight?"
Harry shrugged. "Slowly. Not a good sign. I'd say this one's going to be tossed before it's done."
Dobby sighed. "A waste, really. You could be busy in some really good stories that aren't being updated fast enough!"
"True. But it's not really my call, is it?" Harry had finished preparing the tea and brought it to the front of the classroom.
"Here you go, old man," Harry said, handing a steaming mug to Snape and seating himself down on the stone steps.
The door of the Potions classroom opened and Albus Dumbledore, recently deceased Headmaster of Hogwarts, ambled in. Harry noticed he was swaying a bit.
"All right, sir?" Harry asked as Dumbledore made his way over to them, slumped down into a seat and put his buckled-shoe feet up onto another chair.
"I'm doing as well as one can expect for a dead man." Dumbledore scowled, pulled out a silver flask and took a hearty swig. Harry and Snape looked at each other meaningfully. It was going to be that sort of evening. Snape got up and walked over to Dumbledore.
"Now, Albus," Snape said, deftly removing the flask from the Headmaster's fingers, "you know that SHE had to write it that way. None of us enjoyed your demise. Especially ME, since I'm the one who caused it.” Snape paused, a bit miffed. “At your request, as I recall."
Ignoring Snape, Albus crossed his arms, hugging himself and muttered, "Stuck in the stupid portrait. Where's the fun in that?" His voice grew louder. "How am I supposed to bloody TWINKLE in a PORTRAIT?"
"But sir," Harry said brightly, "there are some fan stories that have you still alive, don't they? You must enjoy those, right?"
Dumbledore threw his arm out in a dismissive gesture. "Just silly variations on the same old themes, Harry. Nothing original. Been there, done that. Boring stuff." He finished and promptly fell asleep in his seat. Gentle snores lifted his moustache.
Harry and Snape watched Dumbledore’s lip flutter for a moment, sipping their tea. Snape poured a bit from the silver flask into his own cup and handed it to Harry who did the same.
"So, Snape, which side do you reckon SHE's going to have you come out on?" Harry asked, swirling the liquor into his tea.
Snape shrugged. "Signed a contract. Can't tell. Sworn to secrecy."
"C'mon!" Harry begged. "A hint! A little hint! I promise not to tell anyone!"
Snape shook his head. "Sorry, Harry. I know you'll be off in a shot to tell Ron and Hermione. I know how the three of you are together." Snape sighed and shook his head. "Adolescents. So predictable, really."
As if on cue... well, no... precisely on cue, the giant oak door banged open and a clearly furious Ginny blew into the classroom, followed by Ron and Hermione who were in the midst of an intense discussion. Ginny headed directly for the sweets and without a pause, stuffed an éclair into her mouth. Ron, enticed by scent of the food, pushed past Hermione and followed in Ginny’s wake, immediately forgetting whatever it was they’d been arguing about. He picked up a plate and piled it high with some turkey, a bit of Beef Wellington, chicken pot pie and a few scones. He settled himself down at a desk and tucked in.
Hermione, grimacing at Ron's predictable gustatory display, made herself a cup of espresso. She girded her shoulders and turned to Ginny who was on to her second éclair.
"Ginny, I think you're being rather unfair. They all LOVE you! Really! You get all the best romantic stories, you're very clever, you always look lovely and...."
"HA!" Ginny snorted and bits of éclair went flying around the room. She struggled to swallow the rest and then rounded on Hermione. "Oh, right! I get to sit around pining for HIM," she pointed towards Harry without looking at him, "and, if I'm REALLY good and REALLY patient sometimes we get to actually KISS, but then I have to feel BAD about it! He's always leaving and I'm always waiting! Oh, sure, I get to be clever and tease my brothers and sometimes fly a broom, but WHO has to help mum clean up ALL THE TIME? And WHO has to cry herself to sleep so often my eyes look like red china saucers? ME! That's WHO!"
Drawn to a display of anger as a honeybee to a flower, Severus Snape ambled over to the buffet and watched Ginny's rant with curious amusement.
“And YOU!!!" She advanced on Hermione so sharply that Hermione was forced backwards into Snape, who didn't seem to mind as she pressed against his torso in a very pleasant way. He tossed some cashews into his mouth and chewed them.
"YOU, Miss high-and-mighty-oh-so-brilliant Granger! You get to be the brilliant scientist or the brilliant teacher or the brilliant librarian or the brilliant... whatever! And you get to have EVERYBODY!" She began to tick off her fingers. "Let's see. There's Harry, of course." Ginny glared at Harry and Harry found something interesting under his fingernails. "They still ship the two of you even after SHE made it abundantly clear it was never going to happen!! Of course there's my poor excuse for a brother." Ginny snorted again.
Ron looked up with his mouth full, "Huh?"
Ginny ignored him. "You even get to have reformed and Sexy!Draco. Sometimes you even get Harry and Draco IN THE SAME STORY!"
"Well," said Hermione, "that only happened once. And they accused her of plagiarism."
Ginny's eyes rolled and settled on the Potions Master standing behind Hermione. "And HIM! You even get HIM, all dark, disturbing, completely inappropriate and steamy romantic!"
At this, Hermione blushed and looked up over her shoulder at Snape, who smiled enigmatically and brushed a slow, lingering kiss on her forehead before setting off back to his desk. Hermione sank, weak-kneed, onto a chair next to Ron.
"Right!" Ginny continued. "You get them ALL!! And who do I get? BLOODY I'M-OFF-TO-SAVE THE-WORLD-YOU-STAY-AT-HOME POTTER! Or, if I'm really lucky, I get HIM!" She was pointing at the classroom door where a bleary-eyed Draco Malfoy stood, blinking in confusion.
"What've I done now?" he drawled, covering a yawn and making for the coffee service. "I've been napping. No fair blaming something on me."
Hermione put out her hand and gestured suggestively, which stopped Draco in his tracks. He leaned over and gave her a slow, languid, smoldering kiss before continuing over to the buffet table. Hermione smiled and ran her fingers through her smooth but curly, brown locks.
Ginny scrunched up her face and her fists, her fury not yet spent.
"And what is it with your HAIR, Hermione? It's SUPPOSED to be the one part of you that isn't PERFECT!"
Hermione tossed her locks, and with a flick of her wand, made them move in slow motion, like she'd seen it done on TV commercials. She admired the way the torchlight created red highlights. "I can't help it if they like to write it looking this way. I like it a lot!" Catching herself, Hermione sat up straight and re-focused on Ginny with her most no-nonsense look. "But you have GREAT hair, Ginny. Everyone thinks so, RIGHT?" she pronounced loudly to all with a glare and a small head nod towards Ginny.
"Er, right, Gin! Great hair," said Ron, picking something out of his teeth.
Harry stood up and placed his hand over his heart, his emerald eyes shining with sincerity. "I love your hair, Ginny. Especially when you toss it back when you're angry. Yeah! Just like that!" His voice took on a dark, husky tone. "Mmmm... yep... works for me!" Harry blushed and raked his hands through his own hair, thinking of where he'd really like them to be just now.
"Well taken care of," Snape added, thinking fondly of the stories where he finally got to wash his hair with some decent shampoo. Sadly, this one wasn't one of them.
Ginny, slightly mollified, turned to Draco for his response.
Draco sighed in relief as the caffeine hit his central nervous system. He looked at her. "What? Oh, hair. Right. Lovely. It's red." He turned back to lovingly caress his coffee cup.
Ginny pulled a face at Draco's back and, grabbing another few éclairs and pouring a shot of Ogden's, sat down at an empty table.
"Hey, Harry!" Ron said, perked up by the snack. "How's Dumbledore?" He gestured to the sleeping figure, whose head was bent back, mouth open, hat on the floor.
"Still dead. Not happy."
Ron smiled and nodded. He and Harry never needed a lot of words to understand each other. They were Best Mates -- even when he was so jealous of Harry that he wanted to blow him into pixie dust. He loved Harry. Really. He watched as Draco made his way over to Harry and frowned. He'd never like Draco. In any story. Ever.
"Hi, Harry," Draco said, sitting down next to Harry on the stone steps.
"Draco."
Harry looked at Draco. Draco looked at Harry. They both looked away and blushed. Ron wondered what story THAT was from, but quickly decided he'd rather not know.
"Malfoy," came a deep, resonant and commanding voice from above.
Draco looked up at Snape. Snape looked down at Draco.
"I expect we'll be having detention soon," Snape remarked in his silkiest voice.
"Really?" Draco asked hopefully. "When?"
Snape shrugged, but his black eyes were glittering. "Eventually. Patience, Malfoy."
But Snape's eyes were pulled away from Draco at the entrance of Sybill Trelawney into the classroom. All eyes followed his and conversation stopped; a collective sigh betraying their open envy and longing. Here was one of their own who'd finally reached the apex of character perfection, and she was leaving.
Sybill put down her Louis Vuitton valise and smiled. She was wearing a smart Stella McCartney strappy, summer dress, with glittering sandals, her brown hair cut into a short, but attractive bob and just a touch of makeup was all she needed to glow and look ravishing. Thanks to Anna, her bangles, shawls and the rest of the misty-eyed seer get-up was gone, blown to bits by the creation of a Sybill who turned out to be a secret shape-shifter years before SHE introduced the idea of a Metamorphagus. In Anna's incarnation of Sybill, the whole seer idea was just an undercover ruse and Smart!Sassy!Sexy!Sybill was born in a stroke of fan-fic brilliance. Everyone's jealousy was palpable as Sybill strode across the room.
"I'm off, but I wanted to stop by to say goodbye to you all!" She dropped down next to Harry, who looked up at her worshipfully. She ran her fingers through his hair and laughed. "There's still a bit of sand in your hair, luv." He shivered as she caressed his face and gave him a long but gentle kiss, a touch of regret crossing her face for just a moment. "I'll miss you. Don't do anything...."
"Stupid," grinned Harry. "I know. Can't promise, though... just the way it is."
Sybill nodded and with another kiss on his forehead, got up and pulled up a chair next to Snape.
"Severus." She smiled.
"Sybill." Severus smiled back.
"For old times’ sake?"
He nodded.
She slipped off her sandals and propped her perfectly manicured feet on his desk. He took them in his long, tapered and elegantly experienced fingers and began to massage first one foot, then the other. The air in the room was thick with heavy breathing. When they all thought they couldn't take it a moment longer, Sybill flung her feet off the desk, slipped them back into her sandals and lunged at Snape, bruising his mouth with a deep and sensuous kiss, all tongue and hands with lots of nipping and biting. His hands found her tight, supple backside and he kissed her back. Not gently.
Then, as quickly as she’d attacked, she pushed him away. "See you around!" she growled at Snape with a wicked smile. She smoothed out her designer dress and strode back down the aisle to her pick up her valise. "I do hope you all survive in the end. I really, really do.” She smiled at them, with something like irony in her eyes. “Too bad I can't tell the future!!" This set her off into gales of hysterical laughter which followed her as she drifted out of the room.
Everyone shifted uneasily, Sybill's parting words echoing in the room. It was something they never discussed. Even the stories that had them surviving, having children, living happily-ever-after didn't take away the dread they all felt as they waited for HER to decide their real, ultimate fates.
It was Hermione, of course, who put into words the question they all wanted but were afraid to ask.
"So, who thinks they're going to live in the... the end?"
Snape didn't hesitate. "I'm clearly going to die. No question. After I save... " He stopped himself abruptly, realizing he may have said too much. All eyes were on him, hungry for more information. "Um. Sorry. Just a theory. I've read them all." He picked up Albus' silver flask and tossed back some of its contents down his throat.
Harry felt all eyes on him and he looked around at each of them. "I don't know," he said with a shrug and a sigh. "Could go either way, I think. But I think if she's any sort of good writer, SHE'll let me live. After all, how fair is it to kids to tell them the story of a poor orphan whose parents get killed, leaving him at the hands of his terrible, cruel relatives and facing a cruel and horrible death on every other page? 'So he lived a terrible life and then died. The End.' Even Dickens wouldn't write that story."
"Good points, Harry," nodded Hermione. She turned to Ron. "I think you're a high risk. Being the friend willing to sacrifice himself for his best friend and all," she reasoned.
Ron shook his head. "Nope! SHE said in New York she'd want to have all three of us to dinner. AND the dead ones, like him," Ron said, pointing at Dumbledore. He snorted. “SHE gave it away. If anyone with a half a brain was listening," Ron sniggered. "No question - I'm living. But what about you Hermione? Are you surviving?"
Hermione looked at him as if half his head had disappeared. "Well, if you're surviving, then I am too! After all, you know SHE wants us to be together! And, I am the smart one you all depend on.” She thought for a moment, biting her lower lip, then brightened up. "Oh, it’s simple really! I'll just arrange to be in the library during the final battle!"
Draco snarled. "Well, someone has to die. What kind of 'final battle' would it be if everyone lived?" He realized they were all staring at him with sorry, sad eyes. "Ah. Yes. I see. Another Malfoy gets punished, eh?" he drawled.
Hermione walked over to him and took his hand. "If it's any consolation, Draco, I'm sure you get to redeem yourself first!"
"Well, it's no surprise that I get to die." They all turned to see the ghastly figure of Lord Voldemort making his way into the classroom, taking a seat in the middle of the room and brandishing his own bottle of Ogden's Best Firewhisky. They all looked at each other significantly, indicating they knew what was coming next.
Ron, who liked to wind him up, pushed on. "Why is that, LV?" he asked with a smile. Ginny reached out and swat his arm.
"Don't, Ron!" she hissed. But it was too late. The high, cackling laugh they all knew so well filled the room.
"I'm a classic, psychopathic, evil maniac, that’s WHY! I die in every 'final battle' fan-fic ever written. Over and over and over and over.... It's so BORING!!!! I can't take it any more!" He took a long swig from his bottle and wiped his sort-of mouth. "It's worse than the Cruciatus Curse! It's pure TORTURE!! Why BOTHER making all those horcruxes if I always have to die in the end? WHAT'S THE POINT?" At that, LV dropped his bald, pale, creepy head on the desk and began to sob. Everyone fidgeted a bit uncomfortably and Hermione glared at Ron.
"You had to do that, Ron? What's wrong with you?" Ron shrugged again and got up to get some more food. Baiting LV always made him hungry.
Hermione rushed over to LV and tentatively put her hand on his shoulder. It felt really icky, but Hermione pressed on. She was that kind of girl.
"LV, I know it's hard." They watched with amusement as Hermione tried valiantly to think of something positive and reassuring to say. Ginny sneered.
"At least you have, um, minions! They believe in you!"
LV turned his red, snake-like eyes towards Hermione, who tried not to flinch. All those stories of being tortured by Voldemort in dozens of creative ways flashed through her mind, so this was, in fact, very difficult to do.
"Minions?" he hissed. "You mean those stupid, insane oafs who are always groveling at my feet and kissing the hem of my robe? I NEVER TOLD THEM TO DO THAT!! Who was the idiot who thought up THAT bit of moronic stage business? The only smart one was him." He gestured towards Snape, who lifted the silver flask in a salute of acknowledgement. "I hate them all. I hate YOU all!!"
Hermione was about to say something else, when LV stood up with a new blast of outrage that sent Hermione flying backwards. She stumbled and fell on the hard stone floor. Ron was on his feet in a flash but Ginny grabbed his robes to stop him.
"Not worth it, Ron," she said, pulling him back to his seat. His face reddened and he seethed. Ron was really good at seething, Ginny thought as she held onto her brother's hand. It was one of his best features.
LV roared. "And Sybill gets to leave! LEAVE!!!! Where's the justice in that? Oh, it's all well and good for that ridiculous woman to get a nice new look and a finished storyline. But me!! That dratted writer has you," he pointed at Hermione ferociously, "come up with the harebrained idea to entomb me in a ridiculous blue STONE for years and years where HE," LV pointed at the slumbering Albus Dumbledore "keeps me on his desk as a bloody paperweight! And then, when I'm finally released, when it FINALLY looks as if I might have ONE original, final scene - she BLOODY - ABANDONS - THE STORY!!!!!!!"
LV collapsed and burst into a fresh bout of anguished sobs. Hermione sighed and handed him her hanky.
"Thanks," he sniffed behind his arms.
"Don't mention it," she said, getting up to close the classroom door, which had been left open at Sybill's departure.
"Impressive," sniffed Snape. "Just ratcheted up the angst level to a new high." Draco and Harry nodded in agreement.
Just as Hermione was about to shut the door, it suddenly slammed open against her with a force, crushing her behind it.
"Ow... that hurt," came Hermione's muffled voice, whimpering. Ginny chuckled and Ron hit her.
Hermione slid out from behind the door rubbing her forehead and they all looked up expectantly to see who was making such a grand, theatrical entrance.
A spotlight of brilliant, white light hit the doorway and a beautiful, young woman entered the room with a flourish and an equally brilliant smile. She was wearing Hogwarts student robes, opened to display a beautiful, lavender, spaghetti strapped blouse that revealed just a hint of cleavage, a tight, black mini-skirt and amazing Jimmy Choo shoes. She tossed back her gleaming black curls, licked her well-glossed red lips and stood upright and proud in the doorway.
Ron stood, his mouth agape. Harry and Draco grabbed each other, not sure whether to be excited or frightened. Snape shook his head and Ginny and Hermione gave each other a <i>look</i>.
"Um, who are you?" Hermione asked, a bit dazed from the blow and rubbing her elbow.
"Hello, everyone!” the girl exclaimed with some enthusiasm. “I'm soooo glad to be here! I'm the new exchange student from America who is the great-niece of the dead Headmaster who never knew I existed! I'm here so you can admire my spunk and fall in love with me. Most of all, I’m here to help you all get rid of - him!" she squealed, pointing her perfectly painted fingernails at LV, whose sobs escalated at the added indignity.
Ginny took out her wand and walked purposefully over to this new 'student'. Hermione wisely stepped out of her way.
"Hermione asked you a question. Who - are - you?"
The girl laughed, unaware that everyone was scrambling to take cover under a desk. "You're Ginny, right? I love your hair! I've heard sooo much about you!" Her doe-eyes sparkled in faux-admiration.
"Your name?" Ginny took another step toward her and her eyes shrunk to slits that LV began to envy.
The spotlight on the girl snuffed out. "My name is Mary S -"
She never had a chance to finish. Ginny blasted her so violently out of the doorway that dust and loose stone cascaded down from the ceiling, raining onto the desks below. As the dust settled, Ginny gently closed the door behind her. Everyone re-emerged from under the desks and looked at Ginny with newfound respect.
Her good mood restored, Ginny pocketed her wand with a flourish, smiled her own brilliant smile and tossed her hair back with a vengeance. She walked over to Harry with a renewed sense of purpose and lifted him by the front of his robes until he was caught helpless by the blaze in her eyes. She tossed him onto the nearest desk and kissed him with a roaring passion.
Well, Harry thought with that part of his brain that was still capable of thought, if I have to die, this might be the best way to go. He'd have to suggest it to HER if he ever got the chance.
Ron turned away, unable to watch. Draco sneered. Snape sighed and shared a knowing smile with Hermione.
Hermione looked at her watch. "Break time is over. Let's get back to work."
Draco and Ron ran out of the classroom at breakneck speed. LV grumbled and rose slowly. He walked over to the still-sleeping Headmaster and picked him up gently. He left the room with what Hermione thought was a sniffle. And, as she heard Harry gasping for air, Hermione thought that Harry and Ginny might like a bit more break time. She did love them both.
Hermione walked up to Snape and smiled sweetly. This was her favorite of all stories.
"Professor," she began, her eyes glistening as she bit her well-bit lower lip, "do you think you might be willing to supervise a NEWT-level project for me?" She glanced up at him hopefully and he glowered down at her.
"A project? You think I have time to waste on a little know-it-all like you?" Hermione batted her eyes and Snape grumbled. "Oh, very well. I'll hear you out, then I'll decide if it's worth bestowing my considerable knowledge on you.” He glowered at her, his annoyance betrayed by the slightest flicker of a smile passing over his thin but strong lips. “Follow me into my office so we can discuss the specifics." He pointed to a doorway behind his desk.
Hermione flipped her hair back and walked into his office, beaming. Before following her, Snape took one last look at Harry and Ginny. Harry groaned and Ginny gasped. Snape chuckled. Then, pointing his wand into the room he muttered, 'Nox.'
THE END
If you haven't read all the books and want to, don't read this. Thank you and enjoy.
Sit Down Potter!
By Kristi Smallwood
"Sit down, Potter."
Harry glared at the Hogwarts Potions Master and, with just a smidgen of a pause to irritate Snape, he sat. It promised to be a long night of detention.
Snape stood looming over Harry. "Since your last attempt at this potion was, as usual, an unmitigated failure, you're going to do it again -- and you'll need to complete it before three-quarters of an hour is up. If you fail, you'll scour your cauldron clean and start over from the beginning until you can create a perfect potion in the allotted time. Is that clear?"
Harry swallowed hard. "Yes, sir," he spat. "I understand." His hate for this man was so strong that the glassware on the shelves began to rattle. Snape glanced at the moving jars with a sneer and sat down at his desk without another look at Harry to resume his grading.
Harry got up, grabbed a small cauldron and marched to the stores cabinet to gather up the ingredients he'd need for the potion. He plucked out a combination of materials and threw them into his cauldron. He turned back to return to his desk and....
Stopped.
And sighed.
Dropped the cauldron and stretched.
Snape looked up and threw down his quill and, leaning back until his chair tipped, propped his gleaming boots on his desk.
"She's taking a break," Snape observed casually. "Third time tonight. At this rate it'll never get done."
Harry yawned. "Fine with me. Don't much care for this story, anyway. Want some tea?"
"Lovely. Thanks, Harry."
Harry walked over to the never-seen-in-fiction-or movies section of the Potions classroom where several food and beverage laden tables were set up for breaks. Dobby was just bringing in a trolley with some new sweets trays.
"Hiya, Dob!" said Harry picking up the tea kettle.
"Hello, Harry," Dobby said in a clear, deep voice. "How are things going tonight?"
Harry shrugged. "Slowly. Not a good sign. I'd say this one's going to be tossed before it's done."
Dobby sighed. "A waste, really. You could be busy in some really good stories that aren't being updated fast enough!"
"True. But it's not really my call, is it?" Harry had finished preparing the tea and brought it to the front of the classroom.
"Here you go, old man," Harry said, handing a steaming mug to Snape and seating himself down on the stone steps.
The door of the Potions classroom opened and Albus Dumbledore, recently deceased Headmaster of Hogwarts, ambled in. Harry noticed he was swaying a bit.
"All right, sir?" Harry asked as Dumbledore made his way over to them, slumped down into a seat and put his buckled-shoe feet up onto another chair.
"I'm doing as well as one can expect for a dead man." Dumbledore scowled, pulled out a silver flask and took a hearty swig. Harry and Snape looked at each other meaningfully. It was going to be that sort of evening. Snape got up and walked over to Dumbledore.
"Now, Albus," Snape said, deftly removing the flask from the Headmaster's fingers, "you know that SHE had to write it that way. None of us enjoyed your demise. Especially ME, since I'm the one who caused it.” Snape paused, a bit miffed. “At your request, as I recall."
Ignoring Snape, Albus crossed his arms, hugging himself and muttered, "Stuck in the stupid portrait. Where's the fun in that?" His voice grew louder. "How am I supposed to bloody TWINKLE in a PORTRAIT?"
"But sir," Harry said brightly, "there are some fan stories that have you still alive, don't they? You must enjoy those, right?"
Dumbledore threw his arm out in a dismissive gesture. "Just silly variations on the same old themes, Harry. Nothing original. Been there, done that. Boring stuff." He finished and promptly fell asleep in his seat. Gentle snores lifted his moustache.
Harry and Snape watched Dumbledore’s lip flutter for a moment, sipping their tea. Snape poured a bit from the silver flask into his own cup and handed it to Harry who did the same.
"So, Snape, which side do you reckon SHE's going to have you come out on?" Harry asked, swirling the liquor into his tea.
Snape shrugged. "Signed a contract. Can't tell. Sworn to secrecy."
"C'mon!" Harry begged. "A hint! A little hint! I promise not to tell anyone!"
Snape shook his head. "Sorry, Harry. I know you'll be off in a shot to tell Ron and Hermione. I know how the three of you are together." Snape sighed and shook his head. "Adolescents. So predictable, really."
As if on cue... well, no... precisely on cue, the giant oak door banged open and a clearly furious Ginny blew into the classroom, followed by Ron and Hermione who were in the midst of an intense discussion. Ginny headed directly for the sweets and without a pause, stuffed an éclair into her mouth. Ron, enticed by scent of the food, pushed past Hermione and followed in Ginny’s wake, immediately forgetting whatever it was they’d been arguing about. He picked up a plate and piled it high with some turkey, a bit of Beef Wellington, chicken pot pie and a few scones. He settled himself down at a desk and tucked in.
Hermione, grimacing at Ron's predictable gustatory display, made herself a cup of espresso. She girded her shoulders and turned to Ginny who was on to her second éclair.
"Ginny, I think you're being rather unfair. They all LOVE you! Really! You get all the best romantic stories, you're very clever, you always look lovely and...."
"HA!" Ginny snorted and bits of éclair went flying around the room. She struggled to swallow the rest and then rounded on Hermione. "Oh, right! I get to sit around pining for HIM," she pointed towards Harry without looking at him, "and, if I'm REALLY good and REALLY patient sometimes we get to actually KISS, but then I have to feel BAD about it! He's always leaving and I'm always waiting! Oh, sure, I get to be clever and tease my brothers and sometimes fly a broom, but WHO has to help mum clean up ALL THE TIME? And WHO has to cry herself to sleep so often my eyes look like red china saucers? ME! That's WHO!"
Drawn to a display of anger as a honeybee to a flower, Severus Snape ambled over to the buffet and watched Ginny's rant with curious amusement.
“And YOU!!!" She advanced on Hermione so sharply that Hermione was forced backwards into Snape, who didn't seem to mind as she pressed against his torso in a very pleasant way. He tossed some cashews into his mouth and chewed them.
"YOU, Miss high-and-mighty-oh-so-brilliant Granger! You get to be the brilliant scientist or the brilliant teacher or the brilliant librarian or the brilliant... whatever! And you get to have EVERYBODY!" She began to tick off her fingers. "Let's see. There's Harry, of course." Ginny glared at Harry and Harry found something interesting under his fingernails. "They still ship the two of you even after SHE made it abundantly clear it was never going to happen!! Of course there's my poor excuse for a brother." Ginny snorted again.
Ron looked up with his mouth full, "Huh?"
Ginny ignored him. "You even get to have reformed and Sexy!Draco. Sometimes you even get Harry and Draco IN THE SAME STORY!"
"Well," said Hermione, "that only happened once. And they accused her of plagiarism."
Ginny's eyes rolled and settled on the Potions Master standing behind Hermione. "And HIM! You even get HIM, all dark, disturbing, completely inappropriate and steamy romantic!"
At this, Hermione blushed and looked up over her shoulder at Snape, who smiled enigmatically and brushed a slow, lingering kiss on her forehead before setting off back to his desk. Hermione sank, weak-kneed, onto a chair next to Ron.
"Right!" Ginny continued. "You get them ALL!! And who do I get? BLOODY I'M-OFF-TO-SAVE THE-WORLD-YOU-STAY-AT-HOME POTTER! Or, if I'm really lucky, I get HIM!" She was pointing at the classroom door where a bleary-eyed Draco Malfoy stood, blinking in confusion.
"What've I done now?" he drawled, covering a yawn and making for the coffee service. "I've been napping. No fair blaming something on me."
Hermione put out her hand and gestured suggestively, which stopped Draco in his tracks. He leaned over and gave her a slow, languid, smoldering kiss before continuing over to the buffet table. Hermione smiled and ran her fingers through her smooth but curly, brown locks.
Ginny scrunched up her face and her fists, her fury not yet spent.
"And what is it with your HAIR, Hermione? It's SUPPOSED to be the one part of you that isn't PERFECT!"
Hermione tossed her locks, and with a flick of her wand, made them move in slow motion, like she'd seen it done on TV commercials. She admired the way the torchlight created red highlights. "I can't help it if they like to write it looking this way. I like it a lot!" Catching herself, Hermione sat up straight and re-focused on Ginny with her most no-nonsense look. "But you have GREAT hair, Ginny. Everyone thinks so, RIGHT?" she pronounced loudly to all with a glare and a small head nod towards Ginny.
"Er, right, Gin! Great hair," said Ron, picking something out of his teeth.
Harry stood up and placed his hand over his heart, his emerald eyes shining with sincerity. "I love your hair, Ginny. Especially when you toss it back when you're angry. Yeah! Just like that!" His voice took on a dark, husky tone. "Mmmm... yep... works for me!" Harry blushed and raked his hands through his own hair, thinking of where he'd really like them to be just now.
"Well taken care of," Snape added, thinking fondly of the stories where he finally got to wash his hair with some decent shampoo. Sadly, this one wasn't one of them.
Ginny, slightly mollified, turned to Draco for his response.
Draco sighed in relief as the caffeine hit his central nervous system. He looked at her. "What? Oh, hair. Right. Lovely. It's red." He turned back to lovingly caress his coffee cup.
Ginny pulled a face at Draco's back and, grabbing another few éclairs and pouring a shot of Ogden's, sat down at an empty table.
"Hey, Harry!" Ron said, perked up by the snack. "How's Dumbledore?" He gestured to the sleeping figure, whose head was bent back, mouth open, hat on the floor.
"Still dead. Not happy."
Ron smiled and nodded. He and Harry never needed a lot of words to understand each other. They were Best Mates -- even when he was so jealous of Harry that he wanted to blow him into pixie dust. He loved Harry. Really. He watched as Draco made his way over to Harry and frowned. He'd never like Draco. In any story. Ever.
"Hi, Harry," Draco said, sitting down next to Harry on the stone steps.
"Draco."
Harry looked at Draco. Draco looked at Harry. They both looked away and blushed. Ron wondered what story THAT was from, but quickly decided he'd rather not know.
"Malfoy," came a deep, resonant and commanding voice from above.
Draco looked up at Snape. Snape looked down at Draco.
"I expect we'll be having detention soon," Snape remarked in his silkiest voice.
"Really?" Draco asked hopefully. "When?"
Snape shrugged, but his black eyes were glittering. "Eventually. Patience, Malfoy."
But Snape's eyes were pulled away from Draco at the entrance of Sybill Trelawney into the classroom. All eyes followed his and conversation stopped; a collective sigh betraying their open envy and longing. Here was one of their own who'd finally reached the apex of character perfection, and she was leaving.
Sybill put down her Louis Vuitton valise and smiled. She was wearing a smart Stella McCartney strappy, summer dress, with glittering sandals, her brown hair cut into a short, but attractive bob and just a touch of makeup was all she needed to glow and look ravishing. Thanks to Anna, her bangles, shawls and the rest of the misty-eyed seer get-up was gone, blown to bits by the creation of a Sybill who turned out to be a secret shape-shifter years before SHE introduced the idea of a Metamorphagus. In Anna's incarnation of Sybill, the whole seer idea was just an undercover ruse and Smart!Sassy!Sexy!Sybill was born in a stroke of fan-fic brilliance. Everyone's jealousy was palpable as Sybill strode across the room.
"I'm off, but I wanted to stop by to say goodbye to you all!" She dropped down next to Harry, who looked up at her worshipfully. She ran her fingers through his hair and laughed. "There's still a bit of sand in your hair, luv." He shivered as she caressed his face and gave him a long but gentle kiss, a touch of regret crossing her face for just a moment. "I'll miss you. Don't do anything...."
"Stupid," grinned Harry. "I know. Can't promise, though... just the way it is."
Sybill nodded and with another kiss on his forehead, got up and pulled up a chair next to Snape.
"Severus." She smiled.
"Sybill." Severus smiled back.
"For old times’ sake?"
He nodded.
She slipped off her sandals and propped her perfectly manicured feet on his desk. He took them in his long, tapered and elegantly experienced fingers and began to massage first one foot, then the other. The air in the room was thick with heavy breathing. When they all thought they couldn't take it a moment longer, Sybill flung her feet off the desk, slipped them back into her sandals and lunged at Snape, bruising his mouth with a deep and sensuous kiss, all tongue and hands with lots of nipping and biting. His hands found her tight, supple backside and he kissed her back. Not gently.
Then, as quickly as she’d attacked, she pushed him away. "See you around!" she growled at Snape with a wicked smile. She smoothed out her designer dress and strode back down the aisle to her pick up her valise. "I do hope you all survive in the end. I really, really do.” She smiled at them, with something like irony in her eyes. “Too bad I can't tell the future!!" This set her off into gales of hysterical laughter which followed her as she drifted out of the room.
Everyone shifted uneasily, Sybill's parting words echoing in the room. It was something they never discussed. Even the stories that had them surviving, having children, living happily-ever-after didn't take away the dread they all felt as they waited for HER to decide their real, ultimate fates.
It was Hermione, of course, who put into words the question they all wanted but were afraid to ask.
"So, who thinks they're going to live in the... the end?"
Snape didn't hesitate. "I'm clearly going to die. No question. After I save... " He stopped himself abruptly, realizing he may have said too much. All eyes were on him, hungry for more information. "Um. Sorry. Just a theory. I've read them all." He picked up Albus' silver flask and tossed back some of its contents down his throat.
Harry felt all eyes on him and he looked around at each of them. "I don't know," he said with a shrug and a sigh. "Could go either way, I think. But I think if she's any sort of good writer, SHE'll let me live. After all, how fair is it to kids to tell them the story of a poor orphan whose parents get killed, leaving him at the hands of his terrible, cruel relatives and facing a cruel and horrible death on every other page? 'So he lived a terrible life and then died. The End.' Even Dickens wouldn't write that story."
"Good points, Harry," nodded Hermione. She turned to Ron. "I think you're a high risk. Being the friend willing to sacrifice himself for his best friend and all," she reasoned.
Ron shook his head. "Nope! SHE said in New York she'd want to have all three of us to dinner. AND the dead ones, like him," Ron said, pointing at Dumbledore. He snorted. “SHE gave it away. If anyone with a half a brain was listening," Ron sniggered. "No question - I'm living. But what about you Hermione? Are you surviving?"
Hermione looked at him as if half his head had disappeared. "Well, if you're surviving, then I am too! After all, you know SHE wants us to be together! And, I am the smart one you all depend on.” She thought for a moment, biting her lower lip, then brightened up. "Oh, it’s simple really! I'll just arrange to be in the library during the final battle!"
Draco snarled. "Well, someone has to die. What kind of 'final battle' would it be if everyone lived?" He realized they were all staring at him with sorry, sad eyes. "Ah. Yes. I see. Another Malfoy gets punished, eh?" he drawled.
Hermione walked over to him and took his hand. "If it's any consolation, Draco, I'm sure you get to redeem yourself first!"
"Well, it's no surprise that I get to die." They all turned to see the ghastly figure of Lord Voldemort making his way into the classroom, taking a seat in the middle of the room and brandishing his own bottle of Ogden's Best Firewhisky. They all looked at each other significantly, indicating they knew what was coming next.
Ron, who liked to wind him up, pushed on. "Why is that, LV?" he asked with a smile. Ginny reached out and swat his arm.
"Don't, Ron!" she hissed. But it was too late. The high, cackling laugh they all knew so well filled the room.
"I'm a classic, psychopathic, evil maniac, that’s WHY! I die in every 'final battle' fan-fic ever written. Over and over and over and over.... It's so BORING!!!! I can't take it any more!" He took a long swig from his bottle and wiped his sort-of mouth. "It's worse than the Cruciatus Curse! It's pure TORTURE!! Why BOTHER making all those horcruxes if I always have to die in the end? WHAT'S THE POINT?" At that, LV dropped his bald, pale, creepy head on the desk and began to sob. Everyone fidgeted a bit uncomfortably and Hermione glared at Ron.
"You had to do that, Ron? What's wrong with you?" Ron shrugged again and got up to get some more food. Baiting LV always made him hungry.
Hermione rushed over to LV and tentatively put her hand on his shoulder. It felt really icky, but Hermione pressed on. She was that kind of girl.
"LV, I know it's hard." They watched with amusement as Hermione tried valiantly to think of something positive and reassuring to say. Ginny sneered.
"At least you have, um, minions! They believe in you!"
LV turned his red, snake-like eyes towards Hermione, who tried not to flinch. All those stories of being tortured by Voldemort in dozens of creative ways flashed through her mind, so this was, in fact, very difficult to do.
"Minions?" he hissed. "You mean those stupid, insane oafs who are always groveling at my feet and kissing the hem of my robe? I NEVER TOLD THEM TO DO THAT!! Who was the idiot who thought up THAT bit of moronic stage business? The only smart one was him." He gestured towards Snape, who lifted the silver flask in a salute of acknowledgement. "I hate them all. I hate YOU all!!"
Hermione was about to say something else, when LV stood up with a new blast of outrage that sent Hermione flying backwards. She stumbled and fell on the hard stone floor. Ron was on his feet in a flash but Ginny grabbed his robes to stop him.
"Not worth it, Ron," she said, pulling him back to his seat. His face reddened and he seethed. Ron was really good at seething, Ginny thought as she held onto her brother's hand. It was one of his best features.
LV roared. "And Sybill gets to leave! LEAVE!!!! Where's the justice in that? Oh, it's all well and good for that ridiculous woman to get a nice new look and a finished storyline. But me!! That dratted writer has you," he pointed at Hermione ferociously, "come up with the harebrained idea to entomb me in a ridiculous blue STONE for years and years where HE," LV pointed at the slumbering Albus Dumbledore "keeps me on his desk as a bloody paperweight! And then, when I'm finally released, when it FINALLY looks as if I might have ONE original, final scene - she BLOODY - ABANDONS - THE STORY!!!!!!!"
LV collapsed and burst into a fresh bout of anguished sobs. Hermione sighed and handed him her hanky.
"Thanks," he sniffed behind his arms.
"Don't mention it," she said, getting up to close the classroom door, which had been left open at Sybill's departure.
"Impressive," sniffed Snape. "Just ratcheted up the angst level to a new high." Draco and Harry nodded in agreement.
Just as Hermione was about to shut the door, it suddenly slammed open against her with a force, crushing her behind it.
"Ow... that hurt," came Hermione's muffled voice, whimpering. Ginny chuckled and Ron hit her.
Hermione slid out from behind the door rubbing her forehead and they all looked up expectantly to see who was making such a grand, theatrical entrance.
A spotlight of brilliant, white light hit the doorway and a beautiful, young woman entered the room with a flourish and an equally brilliant smile. She was wearing Hogwarts student robes, opened to display a beautiful, lavender, spaghetti strapped blouse that revealed just a hint of cleavage, a tight, black mini-skirt and amazing Jimmy Choo shoes. She tossed back her gleaming black curls, licked her well-glossed red lips and stood upright and proud in the doorway.
Ron stood, his mouth agape. Harry and Draco grabbed each other, not sure whether to be excited or frightened. Snape shook his head and Ginny and Hermione gave each other a <i>look</i>.
"Um, who are you?" Hermione asked, a bit dazed from the blow and rubbing her elbow.
"Hello, everyone!” the girl exclaimed with some enthusiasm. “I'm soooo glad to be here! I'm the new exchange student from America who is the great-niece of the dead Headmaster who never knew I existed! I'm here so you can admire my spunk and fall in love with me. Most of all, I’m here to help you all get rid of - him!" she squealed, pointing her perfectly painted fingernails at LV, whose sobs escalated at the added indignity.
Ginny took out her wand and walked purposefully over to this new 'student'. Hermione wisely stepped out of her way.
"Hermione asked you a question. Who - are - you?"
The girl laughed, unaware that everyone was scrambling to take cover under a desk. "You're Ginny, right? I love your hair! I've heard sooo much about you!" Her doe-eyes sparkled in faux-admiration.
"Your name?" Ginny took another step toward her and her eyes shrunk to slits that LV began to envy.
The spotlight on the girl snuffed out. "My name is Mary S -"
She never had a chance to finish. Ginny blasted her so violently out of the doorway that dust and loose stone cascaded down from the ceiling, raining onto the desks below. As the dust settled, Ginny gently closed the door behind her. Everyone re-emerged from under the desks and looked at Ginny with newfound respect.
Her good mood restored, Ginny pocketed her wand with a flourish, smiled her own brilliant smile and tossed her hair back with a vengeance. She walked over to Harry with a renewed sense of purpose and lifted him by the front of his robes until he was caught helpless by the blaze in her eyes. She tossed him onto the nearest desk and kissed him with a roaring passion.
Well, Harry thought with that part of his brain that was still capable of thought, if I have to die, this might be the best way to go. He'd have to suggest it to HER if he ever got the chance.
Ron turned away, unable to watch. Draco sneered. Snape sighed and shared a knowing smile with Hermione.
Hermione looked at her watch. "Break time is over. Let's get back to work."
Draco and Ron ran out of the classroom at breakneck speed. LV grumbled and rose slowly. He walked over to the still-sleeping Headmaster and picked him up gently. He left the room with what Hermione thought was a sniffle. And, as she heard Harry gasping for air, Hermione thought that Harry and Ginny might like a bit more break time. She did love them both.
Hermione walked up to Snape and smiled sweetly. This was her favorite of all stories.
"Professor," she began, her eyes glistening as she bit her well-bit lower lip, "do you think you might be willing to supervise a NEWT-level project for me?" She glanced up at him hopefully and he glowered down at her.
"A project? You think I have time to waste on a little know-it-all like you?" Hermione batted her eyes and Snape grumbled. "Oh, very well. I'll hear you out, then I'll decide if it's worth bestowing my considerable knowledge on you.” He glowered at her, his annoyance betrayed by the slightest flicker of a smile passing over his thin but strong lips. “Follow me into my office so we can discuss the specifics." He pointed to a doorway behind his desk.
Hermione flipped her hair back and walked into his office, beaming. Before following her, Snape took one last look at Harry and Ginny. Harry groaned and Ginny gasped. Snape chuckled. Then, pointing his wand into the room he muttered, 'Nox.'
THE END
